Saturday, October 11, 2008

Top-10 Lists

TOP 10 Reasons You Can’t Find Work
1. Not many openings in chosen field of “millionaire prima donna”
2. Your cover letter inquires if they have any jobs that don’t require you to “work well in teams”
3. Under skills, your resume lists “whittling”
4. You took high school guidance counselor’s advice and went to community college
5. Ever since Joey Lawrence lost on Dancing With the Stars you just can’t get motivated
6. Your idea of sprucing up resume is gluing macaroni and glitter to it
7. At the top of your resume you put your nickname, “Man Teats McGee”
8. You show up to job interviews in a necktie and nothing else
9. Being really good at Brady Bunch trivia doesn’t make you as marketable as you thought it would
10. Your only previous work experience is as a ticket scalper

TOP 10 Signs You Have a Bad Science Teacher
1. After your class dissects frogs, He eats ‘em
2. Says safety goggles are for wussies
3. Teaches every action has an equal and opposite reaction by explaining his criminal record
4. Won’t talk about Botany because he thinks it makes him “sound gay”
5. Teaches paleontology with old tapes of The Flintstones
6. Constantly refers to class across the hall as those “Math Pansies”
7. Teaches the principles of electricity by making students take down his Christmas lights
8. Can’t stop giggling when explaining the Big Bang Theory
9. Tells football team they can have extra credit if they beat Roosevelt by at least six and a half
10. Refuses to teach Newton’s Law because he hates Fig Newtons

TOP 10 Signs You’re Doing Business with a Bad Bank
1. Security guard asks you to, “Keep an eye on things” while he “takes a leak”
2. When you open a savings account you get free toast
3. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, withdrawals are limited to twenty dollars
4. If you deposit more than 100 bucks, the teller rings a bell
5. Their hours of operation are everyday from 9:00 AM until 9:12 AM
6. Customers with the same last initial all share the same safety deposit box
7. Lobby has two-dozen “chalk outlines” on the floor
8. Automatic bill pay program only operational in months having 30 days
9. ATM cards only allow one-digit pin numbers
10. You have to call two days in advance if you plan to make a withdrawal

TOP 10 Rejected Gatorade Flavors
1. Lemon-Lima Bean
2. Extreme Clam
3. Urine Sample
4. Rad Radish
5. Chum-Berry
6. Mussels Marinara
7. Hudson River
8. Monkey Sweat
9. Smashing Pumpkin
10. Wasabi-Watermelon

TOP 10 Signs You’re at a Bad Comedy Club
1. It’s “Urban Night” and the headliner is that guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld
2. There’s a 22 drink minimum
3. It’s in the bathroom of an Amtrak station
4. Their so-called “mascot” is just a wino they dressed like Charlie Chaplin
5. To get laughs, comics often resort to tickling patrons
6. Every word out of the comedian’s mouth is an obscenity or reference to how Jesus changed his life
7. The headliner spends an entire hour trying to sell Amway
8. The microphone is actually just a walkie-talkie with the volume turned way up
9. Opening act is just some guy who knits
10. The comedians only speak Portuguese and the translator can’t keep up

TOP 10 Signs You Hired a Bad Trainer
1. His name is Richard Simmons
2. Everyday you see another one of his clients listed in the obituaries
3. After signing on with him, you’re bombarded with phone calls from personal injury lawyers
4. Refuses to schedule session from noon ‘til four . . .Cause that’s when his soaps are on
5. His business card says he’s certified, but it turns out what he means is he’s “certifiable”
6. For cardio work he asks you to run 3 miles to the drycleaners and pick up his shirts
7. Usually misses your Monday morning session because he’s still in county lockup
8. Constantly yammers about which aerobics instructors he’d like to do
9. He’s afraid to look elliptical machine because he doesn’t have a paper plate
10. He keeps emphasizing the “gay” in “no pain no gain”

TOP 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear in a Super Market
1. All our steaks are 100% Grade A animal of some sort
2. Cleanup on aisle six… Bring a mop and a body bag
3. This is the express lane and if you have even one more than ten, I’ll beat you with that kielbasa
4. Did you bring your club card cheapskate?
5. That hobo with the head wound has his hands in the salad bar again
6. Would you like to sample this pesto sauce? No, how about a punch in the face then?
7. If you insist on buying that potato salad, might I also suggest the Pepto Bismal
8. Please don’t squeeze the Charmin, but feel free to grab my nads
9. Excuse me Miss, would you mind if I rode around the store in your cart?
10. Attention customers, we’re having a special on everything in the store that once breathed

TOP 10 Signs You’re Attending a Party School
1. The dean refers to tuition as a “cover charge”
2. The orientation video is actually just a Girls Gone Wild DVD
3. The football team mascot is “The Fighting Gary Busey’s”
4. All classes that start before noon offer free Bloody Mary’s
5. Each year, students get a week off for spring break and another two weeks for Oktoberfest
6. The Law School specializes in DWI cases
7. All campus buildings are all named after famous American beer families
8. Every dorm has their own resident Jell-o shot chef
9. Math requirement waived if you can count to 500 by threes after downing 14 shots of Jager
10. Sociology course teaches the principles of beer-goggling

TOP 10 Detroit Pistons Excuses for NOT Winning the NBA Title
1. Didn’t want the pressure of having to “three-peat” next season
2. Coach’s suggestion we play “tight man-to-man defense” sounded kinda gay
3. Who could concentrate on basketball with the sassy Eva Longoria sitting courtside?
4. Didn't realize anyone really cared if we won or lost
5. We gave 110%, but the Spurs gave 111%
6. No one wants to point fingers, but our cheerleaders weren’t what you’d call “supportive”
7. Their tall guys were taller than our tall guys
8. When Destiny’s Child breaks up, suddenly basketball aint so important
9. Didn’t really want to visit the White House again
10. Everyone was thrown off by Mario Ginobli’s sexy Italian accent

TOP 10 Things Uttered at Christmas That Sound Dirty
1. I get off Christmas Eve and Christmas day
2. Careful, my balls are fragile
3. Dropping the Yule log
4. She loved The Nutcracker
5. Getting it from Santa
6. Receiving a Christmas bonus
7. Sit on my lap and tell me what you want
8. Mounting the wreath
9. Shaking grandma’s snow globes
10. Nobody loves Dickens more than me

TOP 10 Things Overheard at the Opening of the Clinton Presidential Library
1. I’ve never been to a Presidential library opening where a woman jumped out of a cake
2. Have you been to the “Exhibit of Alibis, Excuses and Doublespeak”?
3. President Bush, It’s pronounced “Li-brary” not “Li-berry”
4. Uh oh, Bill just mentioned his saxophone playing - I got a bad feeling about this
5. Hey Gore, when you’re done parking cars the Bush twins would like two vodka tonics
6. Been to the snack bar yet? It’s nothing but McRibs!
7. Have you noticed all the librarians look like Jenna Jameson?
8. Wow, Al Gore. It’s so exciting to meet someone that was almost President… Wait, stop crying
9. At the Clinton Library, none of the computers block Internet porn!
10. Someone get Michael Moore away from the carving table

TOP 10 Things Never Uttered at the Playboy Mansion

1. Somebody call Scott Baio and tell him to get over here
2. Yes, my father is very proud of me
3. My turn-ons include balding men and beer bellies
4. Of course they’re real
5. After my reign as Playmate of the year, I want to study nuclear science at MIT
6. I love it when Schwarzenegger gets tipsy and starts groping everyone
7. I have to leave early - The Young Republicans meeting starts at eight
8. After I finished my thesis at Harvard…
9. My name is Richard Simmons and I’m on the guest list
10. Usually, when I want to relax I just curl up with a little Chomsky

TOP 10 Surprises in President Bush's $2.57 Trillion Budget Proposal
1. There were no spelling mistakes
2. Anyone caught starting another tsunami will be fined 2.57 trillion dollars
3. He accidentally increased spending on a program that helps minorities
4. Health care is now only offered to healthy people
5. Fifty million of it is contingent on nobody collecting the reward for finding bin Laden
6. Families are now obligated to pick one child that must be “left behind”
7. He expects to make two billion dollars at the big “White House Car Wash” next month
8. Social Security now only available to Americans whose last names begin with vowels
9. All future State of the Union Addresses will be brought to you by Budweiser
10. To cut down on prison costs, death row inmates now only get one appeal

TOP 10 Things Overheard in Hell
1. But, I only drove the getway car
2. At least it’s a dry heat
3. Get ready, Castro’s coming any day now
4. Seriously, You didn’t know Carrot Top had a deal with the devil?
5. Hey, where the hell is Kenneth Lay?
6. Stalin sure smells a lot like Hall’s Mentho Lyptupus
7. Wait a second, I thought I was getting 72 virgins
8. Whose ass do I have to kiss to get a bottled water around here?
9. Is there gonna be a parade when O.J. arrives?
10. It’s so weird, that Jeffrey Dahmer seems like such a nice guy

TOP 10 Things That Taste More Like Regular Dr. Pepper Than Diet Dr. Pepper
1. Clamato
2. Strawberry Yoo Hoo
3. Gefilte fish
4. NyQuil
5. Llama brains
6. Lima beans
7. Turtle soup
8. Peppermint Plax
9. Diet Mr. Pibb
10. Gazpacho

TOP 10 Promotional Slogans for New York’s CBS 11 O’clock News
1. Our anchors have the best toupees in the business
2. We report more murders in the first ten minutes than ABC and NBC combined
3. After you watch Law and Order, would you mind changing to channel 2?
4. Less Mets highlights and more Yankees highlights
5. You want car chases - We got car chases!
6. At CBS, we won't waste your time reporting any of that so-called "good news"
7. Our sports bloopers now 10% funnier than Marv Albert's bloopers
8. Weatherman forecasts sunshine every day – Guaranteed!
9. At CBS, we only insert a bad joke and then contrive laughter twice a night
10. Hey, watch our news then afterwards you can switch over to NBC and watch Leno

TOP 10 Things NY Yankees Catcher Jorge Posada Says When He Visits the Mound
1. I think the ump had Mexican for dinner
2. Tell me again, is it “lefty loosey, right tighty” or “lefty tighty, righty loosey?”
3. Sometimes I wish I played for the Mets so we wouldn't have all this pressure to win
4. Whatever you do, don't bounce it in - I forgot to wear my cup
5. Did you see the babe Jeter scored last night?
6. Some of these Red Sox sure are chatty
7. Make this last out quick, I wanna get home in time to catch Letterman
8. One means fastball, two means curve, and three means Giambi’s adjusting himself again
9. Look on the bright side, the fans don’t hate you like they hate A-Rod
10. Have you seen Borat yet - It’s hilarious

TOP 10 Signs You’re at a Redneck Thanksgiving
1. Grandma was up at 6:00 AM killing the turkey
2. Dad won’t let the kids watch the Macy’s parade because he feels parades are little “too gay”
3. The “kid’s table” is actually just four barstools around an old washing machine
4. A fistfight breaks out over the last drumstick.
5. This year, everyone’s most thankful Jeff Gordon didn’t win the Winston Cup Series
6. After dinner the men don’t just unbutton their pants - They take off their shirts
7. Every other place setting has a napkin folded to look like a turkey or Ric Flair
8. After dinner, when everyone’s in the kitchen cleaning up, the house suddenly tips over
9. Hors'devours are actually a bunch of Hot Pockets cut up in thirds
10. After saying grace, they don’t say “Amen” - Everyone just yells, “Git ‘R Done!”

TOP 10 Excuses for Not Voting This Year
1. Wanted to get an early start to my Christmas shopping
2. Let’s just say I did vote… As far as my wife is concerned
3. Spent the day scouring the Internet trying to find a running back for my fantasy football team
4. Dude, I totally flaked
5. Didn’t want to miss any of CNN’s Election Day coverage
6. People are taking this election thing way too serious for me
7. I’m all messed up from this daylight savings switch
8. I was still drunk from the huge Halloween blowout last weekend
9. Got stuck waiting around all day for the cable guy
10. I’ll go tomorrow

TOP 10 Things You'll Never Hear Kofi Annan Say
1. Hey ladies, my name’s Kofi and I like to boogie
2. My March Madness bracket went to crap after Syracuse lost
3. This crazy polka beat will give you happy feet
4. Hey everybody, McRibs are on me!
5. Kofi don’t like when people dis Kofi like that - Now you say you’re sorry to Kofi
6. Hi Rush, love your show - My name’s Kofi and I’m a first time caller, long time listener
7. Look at that, 19 years later and I still have the high score on Q-Bert!
8. Do you know anyone who can get me ringside tickets to Wrestlemania?
9. It must be true, last week I saw it on Entertainment Tonight
10. Hold my calls; Tonight me and Clinton are goin’ MILF-hunting

TOP 10 Little Known Facts About Sandra Day O'Connor
1. Paid her way through law school by dancing at the Spearmint Rhino
2. Her middle name “Day” is actually short for “Day-Glo”
3. Her AOL screen name is Swing-Chick
4. Is the Supreme Court’s “Hot Dog Eating Champion” six years running
5. Retired from Supreme Court so she could pursue career as a stand-up comic
6. Is vice president of the Larry the Cable Guy fan club
7. Plans to spend retirement drinking tequila and chasing tail with Bill Clinton
8. Her cell phone has a Baby Got Back ring tone
9. Had a “thing” with Jackson Browne back in ’83
10. Voted on issues based on how she thought Dr. Phil would’ve wanted her to vote

TOP 10 Excuses for Not Watching the MLB All Star Game
1. Wanted to get an early start on my back-to-school shopping
2. I boycott everything Johnny Damon’s in . . . Ever since he nailed my wife
3. Baseball’s just not the same without steroids
4. I didn’t want to get jury duty… Wait, that’s why I didn’t VOTE for the President
5. Not watching is my way of saying, it’s a crime that Derek Jeter wasn’t invited
6. Still heartbroken Brad left Jen
7. None of my favorite players were in it… I’m a Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan
8. My household is a “Neilsen family” and we had to make sure According to Jim gets renewed
9. Still in the hospital after blowing off my hand on July 4th
10. It took me a little longer than expected to trim my nose hairs

TOP 10 Bumper Stickers Seen in Russia
1. My daughter is an American mail order bride!
2. If you can read this, You didn’t go to Moscow State
3. Honk if you’re KGB
4. I’d rather be spying
5. Don’t blame me; I voted Communist
6. War may not be the answer, but neither is Capitalism
7. Spies do it in the dark
8. I’d rather be doing Kournikova
9. Ask me about weapons dealing for fun and profit
10. Honk all you want, I lost my hearing in Chernobyl

TOP 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Dentist
1. While we wait for the novacaine to set in, do you mind if I looked at your feet?
2. Oops!
3. Don’t worry - No one’s died in that chair in almost two years
4. We have to take x-rays so you can be identified if you’re ever in a plane crash
5. Hi, my name is Herbie and I used to be an elf
6. Bite my hand one more time and I’m gonna shove this mirror down your throat
7. If you saw that Nightline piece on me, I just want you to know Ted Koppel is a lying bastard
8. Can we reschedule for tomorrow, I feel luckier on Tuesdays
9. Wanna see the pictures I took of you while you were knocked out?
10. Last night, I nailed my assistant in that very chair

TOP 10 Signs Your Tax Guy is Gay
1. Let’s just say his calculator vibrates
2. Says he won’t take any calls from noon ‘til three because he doesn’t wanna miss his soaps
3. He won’t stop talking about the time he met Cher
4. He says he’d like to “review your extension” in the hot tub
5. After filling out your forms, he seals them in an envelope and sprays it with CK One
6. Always mispronounces “zero” with a very lispy “cero”
7. Was late your meeting and says it’s because he spent all morning trying to get Manilow tickets
8. Says he’d like to help you screw Uncle Sam if you help him screw your cousin Vince
9. For an accountant, he talks an awful lot about shampoo.
10. He asks that you come to the first meeting dressed in nothing but Underoos

TOP 10 Things You’d Hear if Punxsutawney Phil Could Talk
1. That bastard Bill Murray still owes me residuals
2. Hey watch your thumb - I’m not a finger puppet!
3. Is it too much to ask that we reschedule this for the afternoon, I’m watching Regis and Kelly
4. Every year I come out and every year every year it’s the same nerds
5. I hate to burst your bubble, but spring aint coming any time soon – It’s February morons
6. Let me let you in on a little secret, I don’t even know what a shadow is
7. Keep that Bob Barker freak away from me!
8. Anybody wanna go get drunk and look for some beavers?
9. Don’t you people have lives?
10. I’m getting sick and tired of people confusing me with that Dr. Phil jackass

All lists written by comedian Tommy James

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