Guy An Even Bigger Asshole Now That He's A Meter Maid
Hackensack, NJ – As if it were possible, renowned scumbag Jerry Moore has become an even bigger asshole after taking a job as a meter maid. “Jerry's always been a self-centered prick. He tells children there’s no such person as Santa Claus, mows his lawn at six in the morning, and never repays his debts,” stated an irritated neighbor who wished to remain anonymous. Adding, “That jackass leaves his barking dog outside all night and lets the mangy mutt shit on my lawn everyday, so I'm not really surprised that Jerry's found a new way piss me off.” When reached for comment, Jerry’s new boss and quite the dickhead himself explained, “As soon as I met Jerry, we immediately clicked and I knew he was right for the job.” Explaining, “Those who don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves generally make the best meter maids and Jerry might just be the most egocentric sonofabitch I’ve ever interviewed. The moment he walked in, that fucker told me the surprise ending to that new Matrix movie – before I had a chance to see it. Right then and there, I knew we needed this bastard writing tickets in Hackensack.”
Planning For The Future At The 99 Cents Stores
Tempe, AZ -- Not wanting to disappear like the 5 and 10 Cents stores of yesteryear, 99 Cents Stores have been feverishly working on a plan that will help them continue to provide useless crap for America’s cheapskates, misers, and illegal aliens. Most experts agree that if they want to keep providing said penny-pinchers with the same junk no one with an actual job wants, the 99 Cents Stores will have to make drastic changes. “With today’s economy, it will be impossible for us to continue carry on selling flyswatters, tin foil, and flash lights that don’t work for the everyday low price of 99 cents,” declared 99 Cents CFO Jeremy Garvin at the most recent shareholders meeting. Adding, “We even considered changing the name to the $1.99 Cents Stores, but quickly realized no one was ever going to plunk down nearly two dollars for the shit we sell.” Facing a difficult decision, 99 Cents Stores have done the only sensible thing – contacting the Chinese government and signing an exclusive 10-year contract to have useless goods manufactured by Chinese child laborers and political prisoners who can make the same flyswatters for 6 cents each. CFO Garvin was belated. “You’d be surprised how fast a seven year-old can make a pair of polyester socks," he said. "Really, you would.”
Retards Join Italians In Hollywood Dispute
Hollywood, CA -- In recent years The National Italian-American Foundation has attracted a whirlwind of attention condemning HBO’s hit show The Sopranos, claiming its portrayal of Italians as violent, uneducated, big haired, and low class perpetuates negative stereotypes that are offensive to the Italian-American community. Well batten down the hatches cause here come the retards. In a similar, yet difficult to comprehend argument, retards across America have burbled their beef with the motion picture industry citing that retarded people are constantly depicted as simpleminded, moronic, dimwitted numbskulls. And worse yet they claim, retards don’t even get the good retarded roles. “It’s bad enough they make us look like idiots,” a retarded leader uttered as spittle flew across the room, “but when Chris Burke who played Corky Thatcher on Life Goes On hasn’t worked since 1994, then we’ve got a problem.” It is rumored that a group over 60 out-of-work retarded actors will be picketing in front of either Universal Studios or Popeye’s Fried Chicken on Hollywood Boulevard. They're still not sure of the location, but one thing is certain, retarded people love fried chicken. Some Hollywood insiders have forecasted the picketing may not be successful unless someone makes a few signs for them – being as retards aren’t very good spellers.
Black Comedian To Drop Premise
New York, NY – Citing the fact that he’s heard way too many other black comics use his joke, African American comedian Willie Owens has decided to stop telling comedy club audiences that his only TV credit was on Cops. “Look, I wrote that joke when the show (Cops) debuted 14 years ago and it was funny then, but now that I’ve heard it 200 times by 200 other black comics, I think it’s time to retire the premise.” Owens stated that although he has heard many other black comedians mention that white people can’t dance and that they always “pay their bills and shit”, he will continue to joke about those topics as well as doing both his Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson impressions. He concluded by stating he hasn’t decided as to whether he will continue using a phony “white guy accent” when making fun of white people, but thinks he probably will citing that black people find it fucking hilarious.
Girl With Big Ass Doesn't Tie Sweatshirt Around Waist
Ann Arbor, MI – In an unprecedented move yesterday, University of Michigan sophomore Jill Lefkowitz decided not to tie a sweatshirt around her waist while walking across campus, thus displaying her ample ass for all others to see. “I just realized I’m not fooling anybody by covering my enormous ass with a sweatshirt as everyone can tell I’m obviously not a size 2.” When reached for comment, some fraternity dude that was boning her said, “I always knew Jill had a less than perfect body, but you have to understand that when you’re making a booty call at 3:00 AM, a fella like me can’t be too choosy.”