Saturday, October 11, 2008

A Sample of Monologue Jokes

Bono and Patrick Swayze are in a bitter dispute over who was the originator of the mullet. Though, there’s no denying who invented the “Jewphro” . . . That my friends, is all Screech.

Barry Bonds said he doesn't care what taunting fans think, adding, "You gotta have some serious talent to have 53,000 fans saying you suck." Which is true.... Except in the case of Ashlee Simpson.

A source tells US Weekly magazine that Nick Lachey is “in a very good place" since breaking up with Jessica Simpson. That good place he’s in? Jessica Biel.

Charlize Theron has signed on to play the new Bond girl in the upcoming remake of the 007 classic, Casino Royale or as it’ll be known in France, Casino Royale with Cheese.

Matt Damon will marry his longtime girlfriend in New York next month and sources are saying Ben Affleck will be the best man. It is said to be the first time Affleck will be the "best" anything.

At a recent benefit in New York, Robin Williams took the stage and promptly made fun of President Bush for his handling of the war in Iraq. Many felt Robin made some good points, but wondered why he had to do it while impersonating a jive-talking black man, a Chinese waiter and his gay hairdresser.

Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow says the band's next album will represent a "big musical departure." I thought Quiet Riot’s “big musical departure” was in 1986 . . . when they fell off the face of the Earth.

HBO on cancelled The Comeback, their comedy starring Lisa Kudrow as a "has-been actress" seeking to revive her career. Some people said “The Comeback” was a case of art imitating life, but now it’s official.

Kid Rock told "Playboy" that shows like American Idol are ruining the music industry. Then someone reminded him that his last two albums haven't exactly helped the cause.

Jennifer Garner admitted her movie Elektra was “awful” and that she only made the film because it was required by her Daredevil contract. Which I suppose also explains why she married Ben Affleck.

Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars is recovering after undergoing hip replacement surgery at a Los Angeles hospital. Evidently, Mars broke his hip while tumbling into obscurity.

Scientists at Sony are developing a TV that allows viewers to smell what's on screen. I can't wait to use it while watching According to Jim. . . Because I've always wanted to know what "not funny" smells like.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards said he’s considering undergoing chemotherapy, whether he needs it or not. Evidently, Keith made the decision after realizing there’re no other drugs on Earth he hasn’t tried.

Passengers of troubled Jet Blue flight 292 were able to watch the plane’s troubles on live TV news feeds to their personal video monitors. And had the plane crashed, it would have been the first time someone actually watched their own demise on TV since Tom Cruise was on Oprah.

Readers of “In Touch” magazine have voted Reese Witherspoon's husband, Ryan Phillippe, as Hollywood's Hottest Dad. Though he’s just keeping that spot warm until Brad Pitt finalizes the adoption papers.

Comedian Sinbad said Richard Pryor is responsible for people like him getting into comedy. OK, so not EVERYTHING Pryor did was great.

Kelly Clarkson says that bad relationships make for great songs. Which is true; Though I suppose Bobby Brown is an aberration.

A girl who's undergone four heart surgeries, got a walk-on role on General Hospital, as part of the Make a Wish Foundation. It's not the first time a sick child has wished for something TV related. Some say the wish of a 12-year-old with lupus is the only reason Yes, Dear is back on the air.

Usher says he's proud of his "bling, bling" image and has no regrets about spending millions on jewelry, cars and clothes because he believes he “deserves them.” You know what else Usher deserves? An ass-kicking.

Variety says that the cost of special effects in movies is skyrocketing. To give you an idea, it cost over $100 million for the producers of the Matrix trilogy to make it seem as if Keanu Reeves could act.

An Englishman has invented a sex toy that connects to an iPod and vibrates to the music. You know what this means? Barry Manilow may finally have a chance to give a woman an orgasm.

Jennifer Aniston said the biggest misconception about her is that people think she doesn’t want to have kids. Though I tend to think the biggest misconception about her is that she’s a good actress.

Enrique Iglesias announced that he wants to launch his own line of smaller condoms. When asked why, Enrique said he’s doing it . . . “For a friend”.

Music sharing service Grokster settled with the music industry by agreeing to pay a $50 million fine and shutting down their website. And to make matters worse, they shut down the site just as I was downloading that one good song by Chumbawamba.

According to a new report more American women say they’re interested in adopting a child, but not as many actually follow through with the process. Though this is only because Angelina Jolie keeps taking all the really good babies.

A company that makes talking navigational systems for cars announced they’re gonna incorporate celebrity voices such as Burt Reynolds, Dennis Hopper and Mr. T. Those who’ve tried it say the best part is the warnings. Like the one where Mr. T says, “I pity the fool who drive in Compton this late at night.”

Elijah Wood says he’s in love. No word yet on whether it’s with a girl or a dude.

Susan Sarandon is urging the US news media to keep covering the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, because she fears Americans will quickly forget about the storm’s horrors. Also, because without controversy, Susan Sarandon is pretty much irrelevant.

Actress Jennifer Tilly became the first ever celebrity to win a World Series of Poker's event by taking the "Texas Hold 'Em" all-girl competition. Tilly took the title when she flopped a "huge pair".

George Clooney said he considers indie films the most fun things to do. Those. . . and really hot 22-year-olds.

A fan who was smacked by comedian Gallagher during a performance has filed a lawsuit seeking $80,000 in damages, claiming he was severely injured. To remind you, Gallagher is best known for smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer. Which just may be the saddest sentence you'll ever hear. is taking bets about celebs Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn with odds being 5 to 1 that Brad will punch Vince in the face. And even money that Vaughn will over react afterwards. . . But only because Vaughn always over acts.

All Jokes written by Tommy James

No comments: