Sunday, October 12, 2008

Stand-up Comedy Clips








Saturday, October 11, 2008

Written & Produced by me for TMZ

A Sample of Monologue Jokes

Bono and Patrick Swayze are in a bitter dispute over who was the originator of the mullet. Though, there’s no denying who invented the “Jewphro” . . . That my friends, is all Screech.

Barry Bonds said he doesn't care what taunting fans think, adding, "You gotta have some serious talent to have 53,000 fans saying you suck." Which is true.... Except in the case of Ashlee Simpson.

A source tells US Weekly magazine that Nick Lachey is “in a very good place" since breaking up with Jessica Simpson. That good place he’s in? Jessica Biel.

Charlize Theron has signed on to play the new Bond girl in the upcoming remake of the 007 classic, Casino Royale or as it’ll be known in France, Casino Royale with Cheese.

Matt Damon will marry his longtime girlfriend in New York next month and sources are saying Ben Affleck will be the best man. It is said to be the first time Affleck will be the "best" anything.

At a recent benefit in New York, Robin Williams took the stage and promptly made fun of President Bush for his handling of the war in Iraq. Many felt Robin made some good points, but wondered why he had to do it while impersonating a jive-talking black man, a Chinese waiter and his gay hairdresser.

Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow says the band's next album will represent a "big musical departure." I thought Quiet Riot’s “big musical departure” was in 1986 . . . when they fell off the face of the Earth.

HBO on cancelled The Comeback, their comedy starring Lisa Kudrow as a "has-been actress" seeking to revive her career. Some people said “The Comeback” was a case of art imitating life, but now it’s official.

Kid Rock told "Playboy" that shows like American Idol are ruining the music industry. Then someone reminded him that his last two albums haven't exactly helped the cause.

Jennifer Garner admitted her movie Elektra was “awful” and that she only made the film because it was required by her Daredevil contract. Which I suppose also explains why she married Ben Affleck.

Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars is recovering after undergoing hip replacement surgery at a Los Angeles hospital. Evidently, Mars broke his hip while tumbling into obscurity.

Scientists at Sony are developing a TV that allows viewers to smell what's on screen. I can't wait to use it while watching According to Jim. . . Because I've always wanted to know what "not funny" smells like.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards said he’s considering undergoing chemotherapy, whether he needs it or not. Evidently, Keith made the decision after realizing there’re no other drugs on Earth he hasn’t tried.

Passengers of troubled Jet Blue flight 292 were able to watch the plane’s troubles on live TV news feeds to their personal video monitors. And had the plane crashed, it would have been the first time someone actually watched their own demise on TV since Tom Cruise was on Oprah.

Readers of “In Touch” magazine have voted Reese Witherspoon's husband, Ryan Phillippe, as Hollywood's Hottest Dad. Though he’s just keeping that spot warm until Brad Pitt finalizes the adoption papers.

Comedian Sinbad said Richard Pryor is responsible for people like him getting into comedy. OK, so not EVERYTHING Pryor did was great.

Kelly Clarkson says that bad relationships make for great songs. Which is true; Though I suppose Bobby Brown is an aberration.

A girl who's undergone four heart surgeries, got a walk-on role on General Hospital, as part of the Make a Wish Foundation. It's not the first time a sick child has wished for something TV related. Some say the wish of a 12-year-old with lupus is the only reason Yes, Dear is back on the air.

Usher says he's proud of his "bling, bling" image and has no regrets about spending millions on jewelry, cars and clothes because he believes he “deserves them.” You know what else Usher deserves? An ass-kicking.

Variety says that the cost of special effects in movies is skyrocketing. To give you an idea, it cost over $100 million for the producers of the Matrix trilogy to make it seem as if Keanu Reeves could act.

An Englishman has invented a sex toy that connects to an iPod and vibrates to the music. You know what this means? Barry Manilow may finally have a chance to give a woman an orgasm.

Jennifer Aniston said the biggest misconception about her is that people think she doesn’t want to have kids. Though I tend to think the biggest misconception about her is that she’s a good actress.

Enrique Iglesias announced that he wants to launch his own line of smaller condoms. When asked why, Enrique said he’s doing it . . . “For a friend”.

Music sharing service Grokster settled with the music industry by agreeing to pay a $50 million fine and shutting down their website. And to make matters worse, they shut down the site just as I was downloading that one good song by Chumbawamba.

According to a new report more American women say they’re interested in adopting a child, but not as many actually follow through with the process. Though this is only because Angelina Jolie keeps taking all the really good babies.

A company that makes talking navigational systems for cars announced they’re gonna incorporate celebrity voices such as Burt Reynolds, Dennis Hopper and Mr. T. Those who’ve tried it say the best part is the warnings. Like the one where Mr. T says, “I pity the fool who drive in Compton this late at night.”

Elijah Wood says he’s in love. No word yet on whether it’s with a girl or a dude.

Susan Sarandon is urging the US news media to keep covering the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, because she fears Americans will quickly forget about the storm’s horrors. Also, because without controversy, Susan Sarandon is pretty much irrelevant.

Actress Jennifer Tilly became the first ever celebrity to win a World Series of Poker's event by taking the "Texas Hold 'Em" all-girl competition. Tilly took the title when she flopped a "huge pair".

George Clooney said he considers indie films the most fun things to do. Those. . . and really hot 22-year-olds.

A fan who was smacked by comedian Gallagher during a performance has filed a lawsuit seeking $80,000 in damages, claiming he was severely injured. To remind you, Gallagher is best known for smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer. Which just may be the saddest sentence you'll ever hear. is taking bets about celebs Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn with odds being 5 to 1 that Brad will punch Vince in the face. And even money that Vaughn will over react afterwards. . . But only because Vaughn always over acts.

All Jokes written by Tommy James

Top-10 Lists

TOP 10 Reasons You Can’t Find Work
1. Not many openings in chosen field of “millionaire prima donna”
2. Your cover letter inquires if they have any jobs that don’t require you to “work well in teams”
3. Under skills, your resume lists “whittling”
4. You took high school guidance counselor’s advice and went to community college
5. Ever since Joey Lawrence lost on Dancing With the Stars you just can’t get motivated
6. Your idea of sprucing up resume is gluing macaroni and glitter to it
7. At the top of your resume you put your nickname, “Man Teats McGee”
8. You show up to job interviews in a necktie and nothing else
9. Being really good at Brady Bunch trivia doesn’t make you as marketable as you thought it would
10. Your only previous work experience is as a ticket scalper

TOP 10 Signs You Have a Bad Science Teacher
1. After your class dissects frogs, He eats ‘em
2. Says safety goggles are for wussies
3. Teaches every action has an equal and opposite reaction by explaining his criminal record
4. Won’t talk about Botany because he thinks it makes him “sound gay”
5. Teaches paleontology with old tapes of The Flintstones
6. Constantly refers to class across the hall as those “Math Pansies”
7. Teaches the principles of electricity by making students take down his Christmas lights
8. Can’t stop giggling when explaining the Big Bang Theory
9. Tells football team they can have extra credit if they beat Roosevelt by at least six and a half
10. Refuses to teach Newton’s Law because he hates Fig Newtons

TOP 10 Signs You’re Doing Business with a Bad Bank
1. Security guard asks you to, “Keep an eye on things” while he “takes a leak”
2. When you open a savings account you get free toast
3. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, withdrawals are limited to twenty dollars
4. If you deposit more than 100 bucks, the teller rings a bell
5. Their hours of operation are everyday from 9:00 AM until 9:12 AM
6. Customers with the same last initial all share the same safety deposit box
7. Lobby has two-dozen “chalk outlines” on the floor
8. Automatic bill pay program only operational in months having 30 days
9. ATM cards only allow one-digit pin numbers
10. You have to call two days in advance if you plan to make a withdrawal

TOP 10 Rejected Gatorade Flavors
1. Lemon-Lima Bean
2. Extreme Clam
3. Urine Sample
4. Rad Radish
5. Chum-Berry
6. Mussels Marinara
7. Hudson River
8. Monkey Sweat
9. Smashing Pumpkin
10. Wasabi-Watermelon

TOP 10 Signs You’re at a Bad Comedy Club
1. It’s “Urban Night” and the headliner is that guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld
2. There’s a 22 drink minimum
3. It’s in the bathroom of an Amtrak station
4. Their so-called “mascot” is just a wino they dressed like Charlie Chaplin
5. To get laughs, comics often resort to tickling patrons
6. Every word out of the comedian’s mouth is an obscenity or reference to how Jesus changed his life
7. The headliner spends an entire hour trying to sell Amway
8. The microphone is actually just a walkie-talkie with the volume turned way up
9. Opening act is just some guy who knits
10. The comedians only speak Portuguese and the translator can’t keep up

TOP 10 Signs You Hired a Bad Trainer
1. His name is Richard Simmons
2. Everyday you see another one of his clients listed in the obituaries
3. After signing on with him, you’re bombarded with phone calls from personal injury lawyers
4. Refuses to schedule session from noon ‘til four . . .Cause that’s when his soaps are on
5. His business card says he’s certified, but it turns out what he means is he’s “certifiable”
6. For cardio work he asks you to run 3 miles to the drycleaners and pick up his shirts
7. Usually misses your Monday morning session because he’s still in county lockup
8. Constantly yammers about which aerobics instructors he’d like to do
9. He’s afraid to look elliptical machine because he doesn’t have a paper plate
10. He keeps emphasizing the “gay” in “no pain no gain”

TOP 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear in a Super Market
1. All our steaks are 100% Grade A animal of some sort
2. Cleanup on aisle six… Bring a mop and a body bag
3. This is the express lane and if you have even one more than ten, I’ll beat you with that kielbasa
4. Did you bring your club card cheapskate?
5. That hobo with the head wound has his hands in the salad bar again
6. Would you like to sample this pesto sauce? No, how about a punch in the face then?
7. If you insist on buying that potato salad, might I also suggest the Pepto Bismal
8. Please don’t squeeze the Charmin, but feel free to grab my nads
9. Excuse me Miss, would you mind if I rode around the store in your cart?
10. Attention customers, we’re having a special on everything in the store that once breathed

TOP 10 Signs You’re Attending a Party School
1. The dean refers to tuition as a “cover charge”
2. The orientation video is actually just a Girls Gone Wild DVD
3. The football team mascot is “The Fighting Gary Busey’s”
4. All classes that start before noon offer free Bloody Mary’s
5. Each year, students get a week off for spring break and another two weeks for Oktoberfest
6. The Law School specializes in DWI cases
7. All campus buildings are all named after famous American beer families
8. Every dorm has their own resident Jell-o shot chef
9. Math requirement waived if you can count to 500 by threes after downing 14 shots of Jager
10. Sociology course teaches the principles of beer-goggling

TOP 10 Detroit Pistons Excuses for NOT Winning the NBA Title
1. Didn’t want the pressure of having to “three-peat” next season
2. Coach’s suggestion we play “tight man-to-man defense” sounded kinda gay
3. Who could concentrate on basketball with the sassy Eva Longoria sitting courtside?
4. Didn't realize anyone really cared if we won or lost
5. We gave 110%, but the Spurs gave 111%
6. No one wants to point fingers, but our cheerleaders weren’t what you’d call “supportive”
7. Their tall guys were taller than our tall guys
8. When Destiny’s Child breaks up, suddenly basketball aint so important
9. Didn’t really want to visit the White House again
10. Everyone was thrown off by Mario Ginobli’s sexy Italian accent

TOP 10 Things Uttered at Christmas That Sound Dirty
1. I get off Christmas Eve and Christmas day
2. Careful, my balls are fragile
3. Dropping the Yule log
4. She loved The Nutcracker
5. Getting it from Santa
6. Receiving a Christmas bonus
7. Sit on my lap and tell me what you want
8. Mounting the wreath
9. Shaking grandma’s snow globes
10. Nobody loves Dickens more than me

TOP 10 Things Overheard at the Opening of the Clinton Presidential Library
1. I’ve never been to a Presidential library opening where a woman jumped out of a cake
2. Have you been to the “Exhibit of Alibis, Excuses and Doublespeak”?
3. President Bush, It’s pronounced “Li-brary” not “Li-berry”
4. Uh oh, Bill just mentioned his saxophone playing - I got a bad feeling about this
5. Hey Gore, when you’re done parking cars the Bush twins would like two vodka tonics
6. Been to the snack bar yet? It’s nothing but McRibs!
7. Have you noticed all the librarians look like Jenna Jameson?
8. Wow, Al Gore. It’s so exciting to meet someone that was almost President… Wait, stop crying
9. At the Clinton Library, none of the computers block Internet porn!
10. Someone get Michael Moore away from the carving table

TOP 10 Things Never Uttered at the Playboy Mansion

1. Somebody call Scott Baio and tell him to get over here
2. Yes, my father is very proud of me
3. My turn-ons include balding men and beer bellies
4. Of course they’re real
5. After my reign as Playmate of the year, I want to study nuclear science at MIT
6. I love it when Schwarzenegger gets tipsy and starts groping everyone
7. I have to leave early - The Young Republicans meeting starts at eight
8. After I finished my thesis at Harvard…
9. My name is Richard Simmons and I’m on the guest list
10. Usually, when I want to relax I just curl up with a little Chomsky

TOP 10 Surprises in President Bush's $2.57 Trillion Budget Proposal
1. There were no spelling mistakes
2. Anyone caught starting another tsunami will be fined 2.57 trillion dollars
3. He accidentally increased spending on a program that helps minorities
4. Health care is now only offered to healthy people
5. Fifty million of it is contingent on nobody collecting the reward for finding bin Laden
6. Families are now obligated to pick one child that must be “left behind”
7. He expects to make two billion dollars at the big “White House Car Wash” next month
8. Social Security now only available to Americans whose last names begin with vowels
9. All future State of the Union Addresses will be brought to you by Budweiser
10. To cut down on prison costs, death row inmates now only get one appeal

TOP 10 Things Overheard in Hell
1. But, I only drove the getway car
2. At least it’s a dry heat
3. Get ready, Castro’s coming any day now
4. Seriously, You didn’t know Carrot Top had a deal with the devil?
5. Hey, where the hell is Kenneth Lay?
6. Stalin sure smells a lot like Hall’s Mentho Lyptupus
7. Wait a second, I thought I was getting 72 virgins
8. Whose ass do I have to kiss to get a bottled water around here?
9. Is there gonna be a parade when O.J. arrives?
10. It’s so weird, that Jeffrey Dahmer seems like such a nice guy

TOP 10 Things That Taste More Like Regular Dr. Pepper Than Diet Dr. Pepper
1. Clamato
2. Strawberry Yoo Hoo
3. Gefilte fish
4. NyQuil
5. Llama brains
6. Lima beans
7. Turtle soup
8. Peppermint Plax
9. Diet Mr. Pibb
10. Gazpacho

TOP 10 Promotional Slogans for New York’s CBS 11 O’clock News
1. Our anchors have the best toupees in the business
2. We report more murders in the first ten minutes than ABC and NBC combined
3. After you watch Law and Order, would you mind changing to channel 2?
4. Less Mets highlights and more Yankees highlights
5. You want car chases - We got car chases!
6. At CBS, we won't waste your time reporting any of that so-called "good news"
7. Our sports bloopers now 10% funnier than Marv Albert's bloopers
8. Weatherman forecasts sunshine every day – Guaranteed!
9. At CBS, we only insert a bad joke and then contrive laughter twice a night
10. Hey, watch our news then afterwards you can switch over to NBC and watch Leno

TOP 10 Things NY Yankees Catcher Jorge Posada Says When He Visits the Mound
1. I think the ump had Mexican for dinner
2. Tell me again, is it “lefty loosey, right tighty” or “lefty tighty, righty loosey?”
3. Sometimes I wish I played for the Mets so we wouldn't have all this pressure to win
4. Whatever you do, don't bounce it in - I forgot to wear my cup
5. Did you see the babe Jeter scored last night?
6. Some of these Red Sox sure are chatty
7. Make this last out quick, I wanna get home in time to catch Letterman
8. One means fastball, two means curve, and three means Giambi’s adjusting himself again
9. Look on the bright side, the fans don’t hate you like they hate A-Rod
10. Have you seen Borat yet - It’s hilarious

TOP 10 Signs You’re at a Redneck Thanksgiving
1. Grandma was up at 6:00 AM killing the turkey
2. Dad won’t let the kids watch the Macy’s parade because he feels parades are little “too gay”
3. The “kid’s table” is actually just four barstools around an old washing machine
4. A fistfight breaks out over the last drumstick.
5. This year, everyone’s most thankful Jeff Gordon didn’t win the Winston Cup Series
6. After dinner the men don’t just unbutton their pants - They take off their shirts
7. Every other place setting has a napkin folded to look like a turkey or Ric Flair
8. After dinner, when everyone’s in the kitchen cleaning up, the house suddenly tips over
9. Hors'devours are actually a bunch of Hot Pockets cut up in thirds
10. After saying grace, they don’t say “Amen” - Everyone just yells, “Git ‘R Done!”

TOP 10 Excuses for Not Voting This Year
1. Wanted to get an early start to my Christmas shopping
2. Let’s just say I did vote… As far as my wife is concerned
3. Spent the day scouring the Internet trying to find a running back for my fantasy football team
4. Dude, I totally flaked
5. Didn’t want to miss any of CNN’s Election Day coverage
6. People are taking this election thing way too serious for me
7. I’m all messed up from this daylight savings switch
8. I was still drunk from the huge Halloween blowout last weekend
9. Got stuck waiting around all day for the cable guy
10. I’ll go tomorrow

TOP 10 Things You'll Never Hear Kofi Annan Say
1. Hey ladies, my name’s Kofi and I like to boogie
2. My March Madness bracket went to crap after Syracuse lost
3. This crazy polka beat will give you happy feet
4. Hey everybody, McRibs are on me!
5. Kofi don’t like when people dis Kofi like that - Now you say you’re sorry to Kofi
6. Hi Rush, love your show - My name’s Kofi and I’m a first time caller, long time listener
7. Look at that, 19 years later and I still have the high score on Q-Bert!
8. Do you know anyone who can get me ringside tickets to Wrestlemania?
9. It must be true, last week I saw it on Entertainment Tonight
10. Hold my calls; Tonight me and Clinton are goin’ MILF-hunting

TOP 10 Little Known Facts About Sandra Day O'Connor
1. Paid her way through law school by dancing at the Spearmint Rhino
2. Her middle name “Day” is actually short for “Day-Glo”
3. Her AOL screen name is Swing-Chick
4. Is the Supreme Court’s “Hot Dog Eating Champion” six years running
5. Retired from Supreme Court so she could pursue career as a stand-up comic
6. Is vice president of the Larry the Cable Guy fan club
7. Plans to spend retirement drinking tequila and chasing tail with Bill Clinton
8. Her cell phone has a Baby Got Back ring tone
9. Had a “thing” with Jackson Browne back in ’83
10. Voted on issues based on how she thought Dr. Phil would’ve wanted her to vote

TOP 10 Excuses for Not Watching the MLB All Star Game
1. Wanted to get an early start on my back-to-school shopping
2. I boycott everything Johnny Damon’s in . . . Ever since he nailed my wife
3. Baseball’s just not the same without steroids
4. I didn’t want to get jury duty… Wait, that’s why I didn’t VOTE for the President
5. Not watching is my way of saying, it’s a crime that Derek Jeter wasn’t invited
6. Still heartbroken Brad left Jen
7. None of my favorite players were in it… I’m a Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan
8. My household is a “Neilsen family” and we had to make sure According to Jim gets renewed
9. Still in the hospital after blowing off my hand on July 4th
10. It took me a little longer than expected to trim my nose hairs

TOP 10 Bumper Stickers Seen in Russia
1. My daughter is an American mail order bride!
2. If you can read this, You didn’t go to Moscow State
3. Honk if you’re KGB
4. I’d rather be spying
5. Don’t blame me; I voted Communist
6. War may not be the answer, but neither is Capitalism
7. Spies do it in the dark
8. I’d rather be doing Kournikova
9. Ask me about weapons dealing for fun and profit
10. Honk all you want, I lost my hearing in Chernobyl

TOP 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Dentist
1. While we wait for the novacaine to set in, do you mind if I looked at your feet?
2. Oops!
3. Don’t worry - No one’s died in that chair in almost two years
4. We have to take x-rays so you can be identified if you’re ever in a plane crash
5. Hi, my name is Herbie and I used to be an elf
6. Bite my hand one more time and I’m gonna shove this mirror down your throat
7. If you saw that Nightline piece on me, I just want you to know Ted Koppel is a lying bastard
8. Can we reschedule for tomorrow, I feel luckier on Tuesdays
9. Wanna see the pictures I took of you while you were knocked out?
10. Last night, I nailed my assistant in that very chair

TOP 10 Signs Your Tax Guy is Gay
1. Let’s just say his calculator vibrates
2. Says he won’t take any calls from noon ‘til three because he doesn’t wanna miss his soaps
3. He won’t stop talking about the time he met Cher
4. He says he’d like to “review your extension” in the hot tub
5. After filling out your forms, he seals them in an envelope and sprays it with CK One
6. Always mispronounces “zero” with a very lispy “cero”
7. Was late your meeting and says it’s because he spent all morning trying to get Manilow tickets
8. Says he’d like to help you screw Uncle Sam if you help him screw your cousin Vince
9. For an accountant, he talks an awful lot about shampoo.
10. He asks that you come to the first meeting dressed in nothing but Underoos

TOP 10 Things You’d Hear if Punxsutawney Phil Could Talk
1. That bastard Bill Murray still owes me residuals
2. Hey watch your thumb - I’m not a finger puppet!
3. Is it too much to ask that we reschedule this for the afternoon, I’m watching Regis and Kelly
4. Every year I come out and every year every year it’s the same nerds
5. I hate to burst your bubble, but spring aint coming any time soon – It’s February morons
6. Let me let you in on a little secret, I don’t even know what a shadow is
7. Keep that Bob Barker freak away from me!
8. Anybody wanna go get drunk and look for some beavers?
9. Don’t you people have lives?
10. I’m getting sick and tired of people confusing me with that Dr. Phil jackass

All lists written by comedian Tommy James

FUN FACTS (compiled for Letterman submission)

FUN FACTS (Late Show with David Letterman)
  • The first-ever Tex-Mex restaurant opened in 1982 just outside of Knoxville.
  • Humans and leopards are the only animals that have sex out of spite.
  • By law, the first dance at all proms in Nebraska must be “The Safety Dance.”
  • 11% of all parrots speak with a lisp.
  • The letters A, E, I, O, and U do not get along with Y.
  • A typical elevator goes up 38% more often than it goes down.
  • On average, janitors carry the key to five hearts and three cities.
  • The most popular moment in television history was when "Yes, Dear" was canceled
  • People named Lenny squelch on bets 63% more often than those named Larry.
  • Kofi Annan’s chatroom screen name is “Johnny Cocoa-Butter.”
  • Women with fake breasts are far more apt to “keep it real” than those with real breasts.
  • In addition to Vegas, what happens in Tulsa stays in Tulsa.
  • Queen Elizabeth coined the phrase, “You can look, but you can’t touch.”
  • There is no difference between cat food and dog food – Cats know this, but dogs do not.
  • Easter Island is insanely jealous of Christmas Island.
  • The reason onions make people cry is they subconsciously remind them of high school.
  • When using walkie talkies, it is important to remember that the person on the left must speak first.
  • At any given moment, at least one member of Limp Bizkit wonders where they went wrong.
  • To this day, the surviving actors from “The Adam’s Family” and “The Munsters” despise each other.
  • Every three seconds someone new does not read your blog.
  • It is completely legal for American Indians to scalp concert tickets, but not football tickets.
  • Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers are made with little bits of real goldfish.
  • Nearly 4 in 5 Dalmatians are left-handed.
  • Sizzler is never not hiring.
  • It’s considered rude to “go all in” if you’re the ugliest person playing strip poker.
  • Hall-of-Fame pitcher Gaylord Perry now prefers to be known as Clay Aiken Perry.
  • By law, doctors may touch your groin and ask you to cough no more than five times per visit.
  • Pittsburgh Pennsylvania is home to the world’s biggest geek.
  • Each year, 112 Americans are killed in tragic toothpick accidents.
  • Of all the surfers in the world, sharks find Australians the most delicious.
  • Middle East nations have signed a pact to unite in battle if Earth is ever attacked by extra terrestrials.


“Good Locker Room Guy” Cut to Make Room for Better Player
Owings Mills, MD. – To make room for new wide receiver Dedric Ward, The Baltimore Ravens released “good locker room guy,” Alvin Porter.

“It’s tough to part ways with such a good locker room guy,” coach Brian Billick said adding, “Especially when you’ve got a bunch of bad apples like Ray Lewis on the team.

Sure he was an underachiever on the filed, but you can never underestimate the importance of good locker room guys.”

Ward is expected to bolster the passing game as well as the special teams, but few believe he can be as much of a “goody-two-shoes” as Porter was.

Porter, not known for his playing ability averaged nearly twelve post game pep talks a season over the last two years and could always be counted on for several congratulatory pats on the ass.

Additionally, he was good for six or seven “atta boys” every game, even if you weren’t playing your best.

Tight end Todd Heap noted that Porter will be missed mostly because he kept his locker area neat, brought snacks to meetings and was always willing to loan you his cell phone if your battery was low – even if he was over on his minutes.

“Man, I’m gonna miss those Rice Krispy Treats every Tuesday,” a saddened Jamal Lewis stated.

Bin Laden Huge Cowboys Fan – Ironically Loves America’s Team

Dallas, TX -- On a videotape released Friday, Osama bin Laden recounts with delight the recent surge terrorist attacks against the United States’ interests and the Dallas Cowboys’ surprising turnaround over the last month

Bragging in Arabic, he reveled in the recent trouble America has endured, but quickly changed gears by calling out “How ‘bout dem Cowboys” before confirming he knew coach Bill Parcells made the right choice in selecting Tony Romo as his starting quarterback.

He said Romo’s quick release, “Benefited the team greatly,” adding he “Wished his al Qaeda soldiers could think that fast, especially when planning the deaths innocents around the globe.”

Bin Laden later admitted he often listens to the radio to learn what America might be planning in an effort to increase security measures – except on Sunday when his Cowboys are “opening a can of whoop ass” on their NFL rivals.

The Bush administration said the tape removes any doubt that the U.S. military campaign targeting bin Laden and his associates "must not stop until he is captured," and that, “He sure does love America’s team.”

Shirtless Face Painter Leads Chargers to Victory -
Blue Makeup Lights Fire Under LaDainian Tomlinson
San Diego, CA– With less than a minute left in regulation, San Diego Chargers’ star running back LaDainian Tomlinson exploded for a 62-yard touchdown run moments after a close up of a shirtless Chargers’ Super-Fan, David Moore, appeared on the Qualcomm Stadium Jumbo-Tron.

“All day I couldn’t penetrate the Raider’s defensive line. I tell ya, I thought the game was a lost cause. But then I saw that zany Chargers’ fan, with his shirt off and face painted blue and thought there’s no way I could let that guy down,” an exhausted Tomlinson stated at a post game press conference.

“I mean it had to have been 60, maybe only 55 degrees, out there and this guy had his shirt off - How could I not give my best effort for a fan willing to go bare-chested with that autumn chill in the air,” Tomlinson questioned reporters.

When asked what he thought of the inspirational fan, Chargers’ head coach Marty Schottenheimer mentioned that there’s no doubt Mr. Moore aided in the win and that he hopes quarterback Phillip Rivers gets a good look at him next week during the match up with the Chiefs being as Rivers “seems to be playing well below his potential.”

“That face painter guy was a real game saver,” Schottenheimer noted adding, “If that guy’s not there with his shirt off and face painted blue, I gotta be honest, I don’t know if we win that game.”

When reached for comment, an ecstatic Moore asserted, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help the Chargers win. If that means painting my face or even starting the wave then that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just happy I could contribute to the victory.”

Kansas City Royals Hire Fantasy Baseball Champ As New GM
Kansas City, MO – Citing an inability to be competitive for what seemed like “forever,” Kansas City Royals’ owner David Glass fired General Manager Dayton Moore and hired Yahoo Fantasy Baseball Champion Doug Brino of North Haledon, NJ to take over.

The Royals recently completed yet another last place season and many experts felt the organization needed a shot in the arm.

“We feel that with Brino’s decision making skills and ability to evaluate talent he’s the perfect fit,” Glass mentioned at a press conference Thursday. “I mean the guy had a starting rotation of Roger Clemmens, Pedro Martinez, Johan Santana and Mike Mussina – that’s not too shabby,” Glass added.

Royals’ manager, Buddy Bell, said the next thing Brino needs to do is to sit down with his staff members, evaluate the Royals’ personnel, and figure out how he can trade their crappy players for the outfielders that helped him win the Yahoo Championship.

“I’m not sure I can get Vladimir Guerrero, Hideki Matsui, and Manny Ramirez for Justin Huber, Shane Costa and Ken Ray, but I’ll do my best. There were a bunch of suckers in my Yahoo league and the Majors can’t be much different,” an excited Brino told reporters.

“First I’ve got to get an apartment in Kansas City and then as soon as I get DSL in my new place I can get start acquiring all those all star caliber players for the Royals.”

If nothing else, after ten straight losing season things seem to be looking up in KC.

Luchese’s, Gambino’s Make Rare Mob Trade Before Deadline
New York, NY - The Luchese crime family made a rare deal with the cross-town rival Gambino's swapping Nicky "No Nose" Falcone for Bobby "Lead Pipe" Landucci and a hit man to be named later at the wiseguy trade deadline Wednesday in a deal that fills pressing needs for both families.

It's been well documented that the Luchese's struggled in extortion last season and scored the fewest mob hits in all of New York. They were also second-to-last in loan sharking - an area they were desperate to improve upon.

"We feel that with his strong arm tactics and love for violence Nicky "No Nose" will bring a lot of versatility to our family,’’ a Luchese family capo announced.

Although stunned at first, "No Nose" Falcone stated, "I'm at that point of my career where you’ve got to be prepared to be traded at any minute. I'm happy to go to the Lucehese's. I've loved my 22 years in the Gambino family. I've whacked quite a few scumbags for them, but to be honest, there are far worse families be traded to."

With the indictment of Raymond "The Mooch" Bono, the Luchese's were in need of a stopgap in loan sharking and prostitution until heralded prospect Vincent "Big T" Tedesco is ready to take over.

The Gambino's haven't decided how to fill "Lead Pipe" Landucci's void. Some insiders feel Joe "The Killer" Periconi is ready to step in, but others remain skeptical maintaining that he hasn't really earned his nickname just yet.

"Just because you're a thug, doesn't mean you're a 'killer'," an overlooked and obviously bitter family member who wished to remain anonymous told us. "Let's face it, I've whacked way more people than Periconi and what's that got me? I still deal with the local unions for chrissakes."


Guy An Even Bigger Asshole Now That He's A Meter Maid
Hackensack, NJ – As if it were possible, renowned scumbag Jerry Moore has become an even bigger asshole after taking a job as a meter maid. “Jerry's always been a self-centered prick. He tells children there’s no such person as Santa Claus, mows his lawn at six in the morning, and never repays his debts,” stated an irritated neighbor who wished to remain anonymous. Adding, “That jackass leaves his barking dog outside all night and lets the mangy mutt shit on my lawn everyday, so I'm not really surprised that Jerry's found a new way piss me off.” When reached for comment, Jerry’s new boss and quite the dickhead himself explained, “As soon as I met Jerry, we immediately clicked and I knew he was right for the job.” Explaining, “Those who don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves generally make the best meter maids and Jerry might just be the most egocentric sonofabitch I’ve ever interviewed. The moment he walked in, that fucker told me the surprise ending to that new Matrix movie – before I had a chance to see it. Right then and there, I knew we needed this bastard writing tickets in Hackensack.”

Planning For The Future At The 99 Cents Stores
Tempe, AZ -- Not wanting to disappear like the 5 and 10 Cents stores of yesteryear, 99 Cents Stores have been feverishly working on a plan that will help them continue to provide useless crap for America’s cheapskates, misers, and illegal aliens. Most experts agree that if they want to keep providing said penny-pinchers with the same junk no one with an actual job wants, the 99 Cents Stores will have to make drastic changes. “With today’s economy, it will be impossible for us to continue carry on selling flyswatters, tin foil, and flash lights that don’t work for the everyday low price of 99 cents,” declared 99 Cents CFO Jeremy Garvin at the most recent shareholders meeting. Adding, “We even considered changing the name to the $1.99 Cents Stores, but quickly realized no one was ever going to plunk down nearly two dollars for the shit we sell.” Facing a difficult decision, 99 Cents Stores have done the only sensible thing – contacting the Chinese government and signing an exclusive 10-year contract to have useless goods manufactured by Chinese child laborers and political prisoners who can make the same flyswatters for 6 cents each. CFO Garvin was belated. “You’d be surprised how fast a seven year-old can make a pair of polyester socks," he said. "Really, you would.”

Retards Join Italians In Hollywood Dispute
Hollywood, CA -- In recent years The National Italian-American Foundation has attracted a whirlwind of attention condemning HBO’s hit show The Sopranos, claiming its portrayal of Italians as violent, uneducated, big haired, and low class perpetuates negative stereotypes that are offensive to the Italian-American community. Well batten down the hatches cause here come the retards. In a similar, yet difficult to comprehend argument, retards across America have burbled their beef with the motion picture industry citing that retarded people are constantly depicted as simpleminded, moronic, dimwitted numbskulls. And worse yet they claim, retards don’t even get the good retarded roles. “It’s bad enough they make us look like idiots,” a retarded leader uttered as spittle flew across the room, “but when Chris Burke who played Corky Thatcher on Life Goes On hasn’t worked since 1994, then we’ve got a problem.” It is rumored that a group over 60 out-of-work retarded actors will be picketing in front of either Universal Studios or Popeye’s Fried Chicken on Hollywood Boulevard. They're still not sure of the location, but one thing is certain, retarded people love fried chicken. Some Hollywood insiders have forecasted the picketing may not be successful unless someone makes a few signs for them – being as retards aren’t very good spellers.

Black Comedian To Drop Premise
New York, NY – Citing the fact that he’s heard way too many other black comics use his joke, African American comedian Willie Owens has decided to stop telling comedy club audiences that his only TV credit was on Cops. “Look, I wrote that joke when the show (Cops) debuted 14 years ago and it was funny then, but now that I’ve heard it 200 times by 200 other black comics, I think it’s time to retire the premise.” Owens stated that although he has heard many other black comedians mention that white people can’t dance and that they always “pay their bills and shit”, he will continue to joke about those topics as well as doing both his Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson impressions. He concluded by stating he hasn’t decided as to whether he will continue using a phony “white guy accent” when making fun of white people, but thinks he probably will citing that black people find it fucking hilarious.

Girl With Big Ass Doesn't Tie Sweatshirt Around Waist
Ann Arbor, MI – In an unprecedented move yesterday, University of Michigan sophomore Jill Lefkowitz decided not to tie a sweatshirt around her waist while walking across campus, thus displaying her ample ass for all others to see. “I just realized I’m not fooling anybody by covering my enormous ass with a sweatshirt as everyone can tell I’m obviously not a size 2.” When reached for comment, some fraternity dude that was boning her said, “I always knew Jill had a less than perfect body, but you have to understand that when you’re making a booty call at 3:00 AM, a fella like me can’t be too choosy.”


The Handicapper
FX presents Adam Carolla in a performance TV Guide calls “heartwarming” and “inspirational.” Charlie was America’s best shot at Olympic gold as an equestrian. But then a tragic snow shoe accident left him in a wheel chair. Most would have given up on life, but not good 'ole Charlie. He took his knowledge of horses to the racetrack and soon he was picking more winners than anyone this side of the mob. Adam Carolla is: The Handicapper.

Doggy Style
Emery Dean is the preeminent clothing designer for dogs. Living in a Manhattan Penthouse with his gold digging wife and her self-centered teen daughter isn’t easy. Luckily, he has a talking monkey who gives him both life advice and design ideas for canine sweaters. This fall, tune to NBC for the hijinx and hilarity of Joey Lawrence and Floyd the talking monkey in: Doggy Style.

The JAG-Off
Coming this fall to CBS. From the producers who brought you “JAG.” He’s an arrogant military lawyer with a short temper. He cheats on his wife and says, “It’s all part of the job.” Political correctness is not his forte, but discovering the truth as he cuts through red tape is. People Magazine says, “Believe it or not, Busey’s done it again.” He’ll hurt your feelings and he’ll screw you over. Gary Busey is: The JAG-Off.

The Fluffer Nutters
Skip Sampson was an heir to the largest peanut butter fortune in all of Georgia. That was until 'lil Skippy fell in love with adult film star Amber LaRue - Against his family’s wishes. Moving to LA, he chose his whore over the money. But his father needed a new kidney, Skip returned home and donate his... Immediately getting him back in his high-and-mighty mother's good graces. With his money in tow and Amber’s zany friends, the laughs will be nonstop Tuesdays this fall on ABC. Denise Richards, Seth Green, and Doris Roberts playing the role of a lifetime as the overbearing Maxine are: The Fluffer Nutters.