“Good Locker Room Guy” Cut to Make Room for Better Player
Owings Mills, MD. – To make room for new wide receiver Dedric Ward, The Baltimore Ravens released “good locker room guy,” Alvin Porter.
“It’s tough to part ways with such a good locker room guy,” coach Brian Billick said adding, “Especially when you’ve got a bunch of bad apples like Ray Lewis on the team.
Sure he was an underachiever on the filed, but you can never underestimate the importance of good locker room guys.”
Ward is expected to bolster the passing game as well as the special teams, but few believe he can be as much of a “goody-two-shoes” as Porter was.
Porter, not known for his playing ability averaged nearly twelve post game pep talks a season over the last two years and could always be counted on for several congratulatory pats on the ass.
Additionally, he was good for six or seven “atta boys” every game, even if you weren’t playing your best.
Tight end Todd Heap noted that Porter will be missed mostly because he kept his locker area neat, brought snacks to meetings and was always willing to loan you his cell phone if your battery was low – even if he was over on his minutes.
“Man, I’m gonna miss those Rice Krispy Treats every Tuesday,” a saddened Jamal Lewis stated.
Bin Laden Huge Cowboys Fan – Ironically Loves America’s Team
Dallas, TX -- On a videotape released Friday, Osama bin Laden recounts with delight the recent surge terrorist attacks against the United States’ interests and the Dallas Cowboys’ surprising turnaround over the last month
Bragging in Arabic, he reveled in the recent trouble America has endured, but quickly changed gears by calling out “How ‘bout dem Cowboys” before confirming he knew coach Bill Parcells made the right choice in selecting Tony Romo as his starting quarterback.
He said Romo’s quick release, “Benefited the team greatly,” adding he “Wished his al Qaeda soldiers could think that fast, especially when planning the deaths innocents around the globe.”
Bin Laden later admitted he often listens to the radio to learn what America might be planning in an effort to increase security measures – except on Sunday when his Cowboys are “opening a can of whoop ass” on their NFL rivals.
The Bush administration said the tape removes any doubt that the U.S. military campaign targeting bin Laden and his associates "must not stop until he is captured," and that, “He sure does love America’s team.”
Shirtless Face Painter Leads Chargers to Victory -
Blue Makeup Lights Fire Under LaDainian Tomlinson
San Diego, CA– With less than a minute left in regulation, San Diego Chargers’ star running back LaDainian Tomlinson exploded for a 62-yard touchdown run moments after a close up of a shirtless Chargers’ Super-Fan, David Moore, appeared on the Qualcomm Stadium Jumbo-Tron.
“All day I couldn’t penetrate the Raider’s defensive line. I tell ya, I thought the game was a lost cause. But then I saw that zany Chargers’ fan, with his shirt off and face painted blue and thought there’s no way I could let that guy down,” an exhausted Tomlinson stated at a post game press conference.
“I mean it had to have been 60, maybe only 55 degrees, out there and this guy had his shirt off - How could I not give my best effort for a fan willing to go bare-chested with that autumn chill in the air,” Tomlinson questioned reporters.
When asked what he thought of the inspirational fan, Chargers’ head coach Marty Schottenheimer mentioned that there’s no doubt Mr. Moore aided in the win and that he hopes quarterback Phillip Rivers gets a good look at him next week during the match up with the Chiefs being as Rivers “seems to be playing well below his potential.”
“That face painter guy was a real game saver,” Schottenheimer noted adding, “If that guy’s not there with his shirt off and face painted blue, I gotta be honest, I don’t know if we win that game.”
When reached for comment, an ecstatic Moore asserted, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help the Chargers win. If that means painting my face or even starting the wave then that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just happy I could contribute to the victory.”
Kansas City Royals Hire Fantasy Baseball Champ As New GM
Kansas City, MO – Citing an inability to be competitive for what seemed like “forever,” Kansas City Royals’ owner David Glass fired General Manager Dayton Moore and hired Yahoo Fantasy Baseball Champion Doug Brino of North Haledon, NJ to take over.
The Royals recently completed yet another last place season and many experts felt the organization needed a shot in the arm.
“We feel that with Brino’s decision making skills and ability to evaluate talent he’s the perfect fit,” Glass mentioned at a press conference Thursday. “I mean the guy had a starting rotation of Roger Clemmens, Pedro Martinez, Johan Santana and Mike Mussina – that’s not too shabby,” Glass added.
Royals’ manager, Buddy Bell, said the next thing Brino needs to do is to sit down with his staff members, evaluate the Royals’ personnel, and figure out how he can trade their crappy players for the outfielders that helped him win the Yahoo Championship.
“I’m not sure I can get Vladimir Guerrero, Hideki Matsui, and Manny Ramirez for Justin Huber, Shane Costa and Ken Ray, but I’ll do my best. There were a bunch of suckers in my Yahoo league and the Majors can’t be much different,” an excited Brino told reporters.
“First I’ve got to get an apartment in Kansas City and then as soon as I get DSL in my new place I can get start acquiring all those all star caliber players for the Royals.”
If nothing else, after ten straight losing season things seem to be looking up in KC.
Luchese’s, Gambino’s Make Rare Mob Trade Before Deadline
New York, NY - The Luchese crime family made a rare deal with the cross-town rival Gambino's swapping Nicky "No Nose" Falcone for Bobby "Lead Pipe" Landucci and a hit man to be named later at the wiseguy trade deadline Wednesday in a deal that fills pressing needs for both families.
It's been well documented that the Luchese's struggled in extortion last season and scored the fewest mob hits in all of New York. They were also second-to-last in loan sharking - an area they were desperate to improve upon.
"We feel that with his strong arm tactics and love for violence Nicky "No Nose" will bring a lot of versatility to our family,’’ a Luchese family capo announced.
Although stunned at first, "No Nose" Falcone stated, "I'm at that point of my career where you’ve got to be prepared to be traded at any minute. I'm happy to go to the Lucehese's. I've loved my 22 years in the Gambino family. I've whacked quite a few scumbags for them, but to be honest, there are far worse families be traded to."
With the indictment of Raymond "The Mooch" Bono, the Luchese's were in need of a stopgap in loan sharking and prostitution until heralded prospect Vincent "Big T" Tedesco is ready to take over.
The Gambino's haven't decided how to fill "Lead Pipe" Landucci's void. Some insiders feel Joe "The Killer" Periconi is ready to step in, but others remain skeptical maintaining that he hasn't really earned his nickname just yet.
"Just because you're a thug, doesn't mean you're a 'killer'," an overlooked and obviously bitter family member who wished to remain anonymous told us. "Let's face it, I've whacked way more people than Periconi and what's that got me? I still deal with the local unions for chrissakes."